Five year journal continued...

January 10th - What made you smile today?

Well, today that would be waking up to my daughter's smiling face in the bed next to me. She's been sneaking in there the last couple of days while her Daddy's still getting ready for work. Yesterday she was jumping all over me, and when I continued to pretend to be asleep, with my eyes scrunched up tight, I felt her warm little face up against mine and she asked ever-so-sweetly "Do you wanna build a snowman?" a la Anna from Frozen. SUCH a personality, and every day it develops a little bit more. I'm telling you, I lost it. First belly laugh I've had in a long time, I think because it was so unexpected, and because I love Disney, I got the reference right away (even though we've only watched the movie a couple of times). She is such a funny little dude.

January 11th - What's your favourite accessory?

Uhm. I don't really use them. I got a new handbag for Christmas, it's pretty nice. Cobalt blue...but I probably only take that out with me a third of the time.

January 12th - What is making you mad?

Haha. Right this very second: nothing! However, I live in Australia, and currently the Australian government and what they are doing to the 'little guy' is making me pretty mad. I'm definitely not an expert on politics, and I would never claim to be. What I do know is that Tony Abbott is swiftly turning our nation from a democracy into an authoritarian society. He seems to be hiding or camouflaging a lot of information from the public, and searching for scapegoats all the time instead of addressing and fixing problems. I could talk all day about it, but I'll save that for another post, perhaps.

January 13th - What did you have for dinner today?

We'll switch that up to 'What did you have for dinner last night', because it's morning here... Last night we had delicious steak, mashed potatoes, pumpkin, cauliflower and carrots. It was awesome.

January 14th - What did you get done?

Again, Let's go with yesterday. I got all my washing done (now I have to put it away today :(...), I got the house looking respectable (at least the rooms other people see), got the kitchen neat and tidy and got up to date with my 'one line a day gratitude journal'.

January 15th - Who last called you on the phone?

My partner, to tell me he was coming home from work. That was yesterday too though. Still, it's Friday!

January 16th - Who are you in love with?

OOOOoooooo! Well, I'll tell you what, there's my partner, obviously, but I've gone on about him enough for a while hahaha. I'm going to do a BIG post on this tomorrow. Whaaaat! Cliffhanger!

Would help if I had some readers. Hahaha.

Love, me xx

Quickie

Just a quick one today, because I spent way too much time on the computer yesterday, and today I'm playing catch up.

January 8th - What is the last 'good' thing you ate?

Not a big healthy eater, and unlike many it is not on my to do list this year. Yesterday I had lasagne for lunch, but I made myself a salad on the side with oak leaf lettuce, tomato, olives, a little cream cheese, celery, cucumber, carrot and a whole lot of pepper. It was pretty good.

January 9th - What is your current favourite snack?

I just love tea and coffee at the moment. I go through stages where I can't get enough of hot drinks, and at the moment it's Tetley Vanilla Chai Tea. Smooth, creamy, and sweet. SO SWEET! You don't really need anything else with it, because it feels like you're having a dessert anyway.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to go about finding my niche in this crazy stay-at-home-Mumma-filled blogosphere. I feel like I have a lot of interests, but I'm not particularly talented in any of them (at least not in comparison to the other fantastic bloggers out there that I follow). Then I realised that I just need to let it go, and see what develops. I think that over time, I'll find my voice, and I'll speak to a few people. Even if I only reach out to one or two people, I'll still feel like I've made a difference. At the end of the day, at least I'm giving it a go.

Love, me x

Toot, Toot...

January 4th - What is your best memory of last year?

Last year already seems like a lifetime ago. My favourite memory, probably not a specific memory as such. My favourite moments last year were those quiet moments at home, with close friends, my family, and especially those precious days when my partner, my daughter and I get to spend time together as a family. The days filled with love and laughter and easy afternoons that turn into evenings and late night chats. I hope 2014 is filled with many more memories like that.


January 5th - What is the last major accomplishment you had?

Aside from getting into uni recently, I would have to say that starting this blog has been a major accomplishment. I'm really beginning to enjoy writing on here, and although it still scares me that someone is reading my word vomit, for the moment the only people who know this little old blog exists are people I feel safe talking to anyway. It's a big deal for me to share openly; I've learned over the years that over sharing is not okay socially, and I've probably gone a little too far in being reserved. When I was younger (by 'younger', I mean probably three-to-five years ago), there was a version of myself that I presented to the world. It wasn't too far from who I am, but it certainly was a more toned down version of. Having said that, only aspects of my personality were toned down. Others were played upon and over compensated for, like my 'outgoing, bubbly personality'. This was a learned behaviour, to overcompensate for my shyness and social anxiety. It worked, probably too well, because it meant that during those periods when I did need my space and my downtime, I had to fight to get it. People would think there was something wrong with me, and I would often be guilted into doing things I didn't want to, or feel like doing. But I digress; my major accomplishment would be allowing myself to be who I am, without being apologetic or hiding certain aspects of me, and sharing that self willingly with people, albeit strangers.


January 6th - What possession could you not live without?

I honestly don't hold much stead with valuing possessions. I prize many of my possessions, but in terms of not being able to live without any of them, I don't think I could pinpoint anything. If this is a 'the-house-is-on-fire-and-you-can-only-take-one-thing' scenario, it would probably by the computer, but only because it contains every photo I've ever taken of my daughter since she was born. I could live without it, but I'd be devastated. (Although luckily, I've backed myself up a little there by supplying our immediate families with a fast and steady supply of framed photos hah).


January 7th - Can people change?

No, I don't think so. That being said, I think it is easy for people to change your perception of them. To believe that people are capable of change on a fundamental level is naive. Every person has it within them to be a good person, or a bad person, sometimes (often) both. There is nobody alive who does not have negative traits. I think what is important is to make a conscious choice to amplify those traits that you view as valuable. If you choose to focus on what is good about yourself, you can change the way that you behave, and the manner in which you are perceived by others, but you still have the capability to behave badly. The difference is that you choose not to. I think that is what is most amazing about people. Each and every one of us has the capability to do a complete turn around; but we also have the ability to flip back again. Will power and self control are the hardest virtues to master, in my opinion. I know I struggle with them every day.

Love, me x

Five year journal - #1

Tami Taylor blogged about keeping a 5 year journal, in scrapbook form. You can have a look at her progress here. I was interested to see the prompts she used to keep herself motivated every day, and I thought it might be helpful in kick-starting my blog. Thus far, the feeling over here at Off the Record has been, let's face it, a little morose and self pitying. In a bid to pick up the mood, and perhaps develop a bit of a readership/ interaction, I'll be following Debbie's lead, blog-style, and using her day-to-day prompts, plus some inspiration from other blogs and suggestions, to *try* and blog every day. Even if it's just a couple of pictures or a few lines - every day, a new post.

Let's see how we go.

So Debbie's journal prompts are for every day of the year, starting from January first. As it's nooowww... January 28th, I have some catching up to do *gulp*. For the first few posts I'll do a couple of prompts, until I'm all caught up. Here goes!

January 1st - What is your number one goal this year?

Well, that's a doozie right off the bat. My brain is such a muddle most of the time, it's hard to pinpoint what my highest priority would be.

Aside from all the regular Mummy stuff, I'd have to say, my number one *personal* goal, would be to successfully complete my first year of uni. Yeah, that's right; I GOT IN!!! Starting off slow, with just one course - Human Anatomy, that starts on the 3rd of March, so now I have the headache of finding child care for my daughter (who I've decided needs some sort of code name for this blog...more on that later).

So, there's that. Number one goal for 2014 - to successfully complete all courses that I enrol in for Uni, and do the absolute best I can do.

January 2nd - What are you most grateful for?

Well, I'd have to say that I probably already covered this one in the last post. The people I blogged about there are the one I am most thankful for, and I try to let them know how much I appreciate them as often as I can.

January 3rd - Are you content?

These questions sure don't pull any punches. I mean, obviously your first reaction is to say 'Yes, of course I'm content!'. If you really think about it though, what does content mean? Peace, happiness, wanting for nothing? In that case, if I'm being 100% honest, I'd have to say that I'm not necessarily content. I'm happy, certainly, and I love many aspects of my life, but there are plenty of areas in my life that I'd be happy to change. My house is in serious need of a clutter overhaul, and in order for that to happen, I (and my darling partner), need to do some serious purging and changing of mindsets. Having clutter around the place makes me uncomfortable, and definitely doesn't make me productive. Probably not the best starting point for a successful year at Uni.

There is a certain relationship in my life that I am definitely not content with, but the problem I have is that I can't change the other person's perspective. I can only control my behaviour and my reactions to their bad behaviour. Last year I allowed myself to be dragged into their mind games, but this year I will not allow myself to be lowered to their standard of bullying behaviour. It is a big aim of mine this year to learn to let it go.

Three might be enough for today. I can hear my family silently willing me to come spend time with them. More tomorrow; promise!

Love, me x

Soul mates?

Whether you believe in soul mates or not, and I'm still somewhat undecided, I think there can be no denying the existence of certain individuals who make their presence known in your life, and your heart. I'm not just talking about 'the one' like a sappy romance movie, where you meet under serendipitous circumstances. I'm talking about a person, any person, who enters your life and from the moment you first meet, stakes their claim on a piece of your heart that will forever and always belong to them.

For me, I think of my mother, my partner, my daughter, and more recently a few people that I am proud to call 'true friends'.

My partner and I fell in love quickly, and I've never regretted my decision to be with him. We've had tumultuous periods in our life thus far, but in those times, he stands by me and drags me back up in his own, very quiet, very determined way. In many ways, he complements me. Many of my strengths are his weaknesses, and vice versa. We have a very similar set of morals and values that forms the basis of our parenting. We work better as a team than as individuals, but we are quite capable of functioning on our own. I think this is a big part of what makes us a strong couple, because we choose to be together and work through the same crap many other couples run away from.

My mother is the person I draw my strength from. If I go more than a couple of days without talking to her, I feel highly anxious. She is my most effective sounding board, and the person who knows me the best. She understands, or at least does her utmost to understand the way my brain works, and the labyrinthian twists and turns my mind takes to reach a conclusive point. She is one of only two people I have ever met who can not only follow my speedy train of thought without hesitation, but can interject and respond to the ghastly myriad of information I have condensed into a hastily word-vomited five minute rant. She doesn't always agree with me, but she realises that she doesn't have to agree with me to understand me and support the decisions I make. If it turns out that she is right, she is there to help me pick up the pieces of my mistakes.

I've mentioned in a previous post that making friends always proved arduous for me. As a result, i've never held down true friendships for very long. I also don't seem to have trouble ending friendships, and there are very few people I actually miss when I don't see them. Recently though, I have made some true friends who have certainly laid claim to portions of my heart. There is a select group of people I have told about my feelings and suspicions of Asperger's syndrome. Three people, other than my partner and my immediate family. Those three people could not have been more supportive. I was actually amazed at how readily they accepted what I had said to them, and how quickly they offered their support and love. I was not expecting to be shunned and treated like the Quasimodo, but I wasn't expecting to be met with such positivity and encouragement. I think the biggest surprise for me was hearing how much they really meant what they were saying. I've had friends in the past who have made airy promises about being there for each other. In this instance though, I knew that these people were the type of people who meant what they said, and said what they meant. If they couldn't find anything positive to say, or didn't honestly feel what they were saying, they wouldn't have said anything at all. I am very thankful to have found these people, and that they all identify me as one of their closest friends.

My daughter, at two and a half, has developed such a quirky and outgoing personality. In many ways she is a version of myself that I think I could be, without the pressures of the world telling me who I should be, (or maybe that should read "a version of myself I wish I could be, without the pressures that come from within myself on who I think the world thinks I should be"). Either way, I think she is an incredibly wonderful person; friendly, personable, intelligent and funny, quick to laugh, caring and kind, brave and carefree. She is completely comfortable within her own skin, and my biggest (and most challenging) mission in life is to keep her sheltered from the expectations of the world, to keep that spark burning as brightly as I possibly can before the world starts trying to dull it, or worse: extinguish it completely. I do not want my daughter to become a carbon copy of me, nor do I want her to measure herself against others, either physically or in any other way. I want her to recognise the wonder of the possibilities that lay before her, and realise just how capable she is of being the absolute best version of herself. My daughter is most certainly a person who has a snatched a great big whopping chunk of my heart. I hope she never tries to give it back...

Old news.

This is an entry from a journal I started keeping last year, with the intention of publishing all the entries into a blog... Better late than never I suppose. 

Ironically, it talks briefly about my desire to work in Neuroscience research, specifically with high functioning brain disorders like Autism... Seriously. My life's purpose is to study the brains of people with this disorder because it fascinates me, and I think it's important that specific research is done into the causes of Autism/ Aspergers... Yet it never occurred to me that I may HAVE the disorder...

25/08/2013

I have decided to start keeping a journal. Key word: keeping! Not for any particular reason, but perhaps because one day someone might find it interesting. Aside from that, I think that it may assist me in organising my thoughts and ideas about certain (or all) aspects of my life. It strikes me that my brain seems to work in triple time in comparison to many of the people who surround me, and subsequently I find it difficult to speak to anybody about problems and issues that I am working through without ‘dumbing down’ what I am trying to say (which sounds dreadfully arrogant, but a better phrase fails me), or speaking at a rate that better enables them to follow my speed of thought. As a direct result, I find it exceedingly difficult to switch to effective academic writing without exhibiting the same features in my writing – rambling, tangential ‘wafflings’ that have little-to-no direct connection to the hypothesis I am defending. It seems to me that the most logical conclusion I can come to is that I am not exercising my brain enough to continue using it to its full capacity. Subsequently, I find myself repeating certain phrases in my research, and dancing around the point rather than readily processing the information at hand and presenting a succinct, condensed version of it.  

University has become a chore to me, rather than something that I enjoy as an exercise in measuring my own intellect against that of thousands others all vying for the ever elusive ‘top-spot’ in their specific academic fields. I figure that rather than using my brain to its full capacity I have started to utilise my ‘regular’ brain processes in all areas of my life, rendering me effectively ‘dumb’, in the medical context, and causing me to enter into a state of mental stagnation. The implications of this causal state have been detrimental to my university career, and I find my standards of work slipping at an alarming rate, while my grades follow suit. It would appear that I am at a point in my life where I need to make a choice; a choice that indicates what kind of person I want to be. I am, at present, a mother, a lover, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I aspire to continue to be all of these things, but also achieve to my full potential in my chosen field; at this stage in my career development that would be university, specifically the study of Aboriginal studies, but continuing (hopefully) to Cognitive Neuroscience in the not-too-distant-future. My ultimate goal is to enter into a career in research, and possibly further my studies into medicine/ neurosurgery. I wish to work primarily in cognitive brain therapy, alongside higher functioning brain disorders such as Autism Spectrum Disorder and other developmental delays in children as well as adults. I currently engage in no volunteer work, but I endeavor to rectify this in the future. My hope is to volunteer with Autism SA, and find a place within their fundraising committees, to better my understanding of the disorders that are covered by their organization, the people who are affected by them, and the effect living with those disorders has on familial relationships. Through this activity, I propose that my understanding will better able me to gauge whether I truly wish to engage in research in this field, or if I should shift my focus. Sorting out these aspects should better able me to determine my ultimate career path before entering the Behavioural Psychology (Cognitive Neuroscience) degree.

I've chosen to put this one out there today because I should find out if I've been accepted into the Cognitive Neuroscience degree by the end of this week (providing the university's admissions officers can get their act together). I also think it highlights a few other 'Asperger traits' - the extreme disorganisation of my thoughts and poor time management are two that spring particularly to mind. 

I'll update with good or bad news when I found out.

Just quickly...

A friend sent this to me just now, and I thought I would share it. It describes how I feel all the time in varying degrees, but especially in high stress situations, and in situations where I need to socialise, most notably with people I do not know or have only met once or twice before.

I'll probably write a post elaborating on this another day. For now I'll just let it ride...

Autism Spectrum Quotient 40 - AQ40

First post. Ugh.

To say this is terrifying to me is a complete and utter understatement. Having my mind hole opened up for the internet to read and scrutinise sends my anxiety levels skyrocketing to atmospheric levels. At the encouragement of a dear friend, I have decided to go ahead and open up to a bunch of strangers about a heap of stuff that I probably wouldn't even tell my Mum or my partner. Unscripted. Unedited. Unapologetic. This is me.

First up, let's explain the url and title of this blog. 40, is the unofficial score I got recently when I took a few quizzes to see if I have Aspergers Syndrome. It is a recent revelation, that explains quite a few personality 'defects' that I have struggled with my entire life. Without going too far into my back story, I'll try to set the scene for how I came to this at first, seemingly absurd conclusion...

• I have never found it easy to make friends
• I have never found it easy to maintain friendships
• When I make a friend, I find it difficult to be close with other people, and obsess with this 'one friend'.
• I prefer solitude over being with people almost all of the time. When I was younger and would have my 'best (read 'only') friend over for a sleepover, I can recall many occasions when I would shut myself in my bedroom to read while she sat in the lounge room with my family. 
• I absolutely despise socialising. Despise it. It causes me intolerable levels of anxiety (profuse sweating, shaking, nausea, dizziness, mood swings and heightened irritability).
• I become obsessed with things that I find interesting. At the moment this is scrapbooking, quilting and DIY projects. 
• I collect/ hoard things that I become obsessed with - at the moment it is scrapbooking supplies, fabric and things that I 'could use' for DIY projects. In the past it has been: rocks ("They're not rocks, they're gemstones and minerals"), shells/ coral, easter egg wrappers, postcards, birthday cards (still do this one), photo frames, journals.
• I find mildly annoying things extremely irritating - my partner eating cereal and the milk slopping back into the bowl, slurping coffee, people mispronouncing words and using poor grammar.
• I retain relatively useless information from years ago and regurgitate it at will, but find it difficult to recall recent events.
• I also regurgitate word-for-word conversations that I had with people, and things they said they would/ wouldn't do, tone of voice they used etc. (my partner hates this one). 
• People often tell me that the things I say are rude or aggressive, when I had no intention of coming across like that. It almost always surprises me when people tell me this. 

There are many other smaller things that I could write about, but these are the main points that come to mind right now.

The biggest factor for me didn't become apparent until I had my daughter. She is two now, and from the moment she was born, I have felt disconnected from her. Everybody told me that when she was born, I would be overwhelmed with an intense love for her, and a fierce bond would be formed. They said that the bond between mother and child is like nothing else you'll ever experience; but I never felt that. I often feel as though I am just looking after somebody else's child, and let me tell you, it is probably one of the most incredibly destructive feelings in the world. To be a mother, and not feel like a mother 'should' all of the time, makes you seriously question your personality. I began to view myself as defective, and that set me on a path to hating myself for everything that I wished I could be.

Now, disclaimer, I love my daughter, I would die for my daughter. I would do anything to stop her from coming to harm. The problem does not lie in my lack of love for her, it stems from my lack of ability to maintain close relationships. I have never spent so much time with one person before, and I have certainly never had someone rely on me 100%. Problems also arise because of my lack of tolerance for things I find irritating, combined with my insatiable desire to be alone. I enjoy spending time with her, but I also need to be by myself sometimes. Some days are easier than others. Some days she is in a bad mood, as am I, and we clash almost all day. There are days I have been reduced to tears because all I want to do is be alone. I can hear you saying that it is normal to feel like this, and it is normal to have days when nothing goes right, and I recognise that, and it's what I have told myself for two and a half years. 

So here's the other kicker. I find great joy in what my daughter does. I think that she is incredibly clever, funny, entertaining, adorable, kind, intelligent, resourceful and generally wonderful in every way. However, I find it exceedingly difficult to express this, and I always have. I mimic other people, and things I've heard. I feel these things, but I don't feel it necessary to express them all of the time. This has never run me into trouble before, but I know that children need to hear these things. They can not infer from past encounters. They do not understand "That's just the way she is". My biggest fear is that my daughter will grow up thinking that I don't love her because I forget to laugh sometimes when she is funny, because I sometimes overlook her funny dance in favour of my latest pinterest obsession, because some days I don't talk to her as much as I should because I'm reading about something interesting that I can't tear my attention away from. The problem is not that I don't feel happy when she is funny, but in the fact that I only laugh because I know it is expected. I find what she does funny, but I don't laugh because it makes me laugh. I laugh because her father is laughing. I smile because it would be wrong not to. I'm still happy on the inside, but it just doesn't translate to my face or body language unless I am acutely aware of it...

This may seem like a very strange concept, but it wasn't something I ever actively thought about until I became a parent. It was just the way that I was. I do sometimes find things funny enough to laugh without forcing it, but very rarely. I thought this was just the way everybody was, until I saw the way that my partner laughed at our daughter. The sheer, unadulterated joy that exploded on his face when she did something silly/ hilarious/ ridiculous actually caused me pain. Why couldn't I feel like that? What was wrong with me? 

It prompted me to question myself as a person, and especially as a parent, and led me to the doctor, where I was very quickly diagnosed with post natal depression. I readily accepted this diagnosis because it explained so many of the things I felt. Mainly the disconnect with my daughter and my severe inability to cope with the many stresses of becoming a mother. I was placed on medication and attended some psychologist sessions to assist me to deal with stress and anxiety. I stopped going after a few sessions because I found the psychologist was attempting to lay blame for my behaviour with my partner (he didn't do enough around the home etc.). While it was possible that this was a contributing factor to my stress, I felt the problems I was having went further than surface problems. I decided to work by myself while still on the medication to make myself feel better. I found coping mechanisms that worked for me usually involved routine and organisation. If you have a two year old, or know someone who does, you'll know that this does not always work out very well...

To cut a long (arduous) story short, I am constantly trying to adapt my current situation to cause minimal amounts of stress for myself, my child, and my partner, while still maintaining our home, as well as giving myself enough time for solitary activities. It's difficult, and most days something has to give, but I always make sure it's the housework or my personal endeavours, and not my daughter or my partner.

Interestingly, it was a passing comment my mother made that led me to my self diagnosis. I made a comment about my daughter having a sensory issue with things being placed over her head, and my mother thought I was talking about myself. She said "Ahaha, maybe you have Autism!". I have worked in child care, and worked one-on-one with children ranging across the spectrum, and I knew the symptoms. Even though my mother was making a a joke, a joke that wasn't even about me, it made me think; and think hard. My initial thought was "Oh, I couldn't have that, someone would have picked up on it by now". However, after doing a lot (and I mean an obsessive amount) of research, I discovered some really interesting things about women with Aspergers that explained so much about my personality, and why I behave the way that I do. You can read more about women with Aspergers Syndrome here. This is a foreword to a book (that I intend to read and review) by Liane Holliday Willey. It's written by Tony Attwood, who has also written some wonderful articles on women who have Aspergers Syndrome.

I think that's probably enough sharing for today. *cue abrupt end to this post*