Journal - Finishing January

January 17th - What are you grateful for?
I'm grateful for a lot of things; a roof over my head, people who love me, friends, enough money to be comfortable, food in my cupboard. Some days I lose sight of that though, until I see someone who has life a lot harder than I have ever had it, and still has an incredibly positive attitude, and lives their life to a much fuller potential than I do. Then I have guilt.

January 18th - The best part of today was...
Our close friends had their baby today!! He is beautiful, healthy, and perfect. I couldn't be happier for them, and I wish them all the good things in life that parenting brings.

January 19th - My current favourite website is...
...pinterest. How embarrassing a haha. It really is though. I love it.

January 20th - What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?
I'm struggling a great deal with going back to uni, because it means putting my daughter into care two days a week. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me personally, it means putting my own needs before what I view as her important needs. I made the decision to stay home with her, because I think that it's important for your children to be influenced by what you feel is important - to guide them to be the people that you'd like them to be; the best versions of themselves possible. I think it's difficult to achieve that when your children are being cared for five days a week by other people. It was a personal choice that my partner and I made together, and it has worked for us. Recently though, I think that my daughter (Z) is craving social interaction, so care has been in the back of our minds for a little while. I couldn't fathom putting her into care while I sat at home on my own though, which is another reason I decided to go back to uni. Along the way, I've flip-flopped and gone back and forth about our decision, trying to grasp what is really 'best' for her. I've settled on the fact that she needs to socialise with peers, and that I need to be the best person I can be, in order to be the best mother I can be. I've been going a little crazy doing the same thing every day at home, so I think it will be good for to feel as though I am achieving something with my life. I also think it will set a good example for my daughter. To show her that, with some sacrifices, you can be a successful person, and a hands-on, present parent; you don't have to choose one or the other necessarily.

January 21st - Today I wish I had more...
PATIENCE! I wish this every day. I'm getting better, but it's a long hard road.

January 22nd - Tomorrow will be better because...
I will be positive. I will try my best not to let negativity creep in, and I will remember that I am doing what is right for myself, and my family at this point in our lives. I won't allow other people to make me feel guilty for the decisions I have made, because we have thought very carefully about them, and there are very good reasons that we are happy with them.

January 23rd - What made today unusual?
We got to meet our friend's baby today. He is so wonderful, and it is so fantastic to see them deliriously happy (or is that the lack of sleep!?). No, they were both glowing with pride and contentment, and I was so happy to see that. He is a content little man, and I honestly believe that children are ultimately a reflection of their parents, and especially at this age. They feed from their parents vibes, and if that is anything to go by, I think this little boy is going to be the most chilled out person ever.

January 24th - What are you looking for from life?
I want to be successful. I want my family to be comfortable financially, and I want my daughter to know that no matter what happens, her father and I will always love her and have faith in her.


January 25th - What is your favourite thing to drink?
Tea. Sweet tea. Or iced coffee.

January 26th - Today the temperature was...
26C

January 27th - What did you spend at the grocery store last time you went?
about $100

January 28th - Tomorrow I will...
clean out the spare room because my parents are coming to stay! Yay!

January 29th - What was your last big purchase?
I can't remember the last time we spent a significant amount of money on anything? Probably it was when LP repaired the retaining wall in the backyard. Or something else boring like that.

January 30th - My house is a home because...
I share it with LP and Z. I don't like houses that constantly look like display homes. I can never relax when someone's house is uber tidy every time I go there; I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time, and I feel like I can't let Z be herself as well. I don't think anyone would ever feel like that in our home...it's clean, but rarely tidy. I think that makes it feel lived in, and a lot more like a home, instead of just a house.

January 31st - Who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
LP before he left for work this morning, and Z about five minutes ago.

love, me x

Cheat post!

Typically, life has gotten in the way recently, so my posts have slackened off considerably. For now, I might put the journal on the back burner, and focus in on a couple of things that I've found in the past couple of days - another previous 'attempt' at a blog that I found interesting. There was only one entry, but it was from just after I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (who turns three in August!). I thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to where  I'm at now. Here it is, try not to judge! Haha...

We’d just got back from Melbourne, for my birthday trip. I’d noticed while we were there that I was feeling really flat and tired, and it had stopped me from enjoying myself, as all I really wanted to do was nap in the hotel room. When we got back it got worse. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. I was sick, but it was the weirdest kind of sick I’d ever experienced. I wasn’t feeling anything in particular, except flat and nauseous at erratic times. It was coming up on Christmas time and work was wrapping up for the year (busy busy busy). We were organising our item for the Christmas concert, trying to get the Christmas Vac-Care program out plus still running the ASC program. I was working extra shifts and over time (without pay) so I initially just put it down to that. As December progressed though, I got steadily worse, until one day, when we were packing, LP found me on the floor, curled up asleep. He picked me up and put me to bed. The next day I woke up feeling a bit better, having gone to bed at around 8pm. I got in the shower where I started feeling sick, put it down to having he shower too hot, started brushing my teeth and promptly threw up in the sink. I decided then that it was time to go to the doctor to see what was going on. I went to work that day, but made an appointment straight after. LP came with me and we discussed going on the pill with the doctor. He sent me for a blood test just to check for everything, and gave me a prescription for the pill. I couldn’t get the blood test that day, so we went to the chemist to fill the prescription, where we found out that it was going to cost us $80 for three months supply. At this stage it was about three days before Christmas and the budget was stretched, so we decided to wait until after the holidays. I went to work the next day, where I was constantly feeling sick and had to keep running outside because I thought I was going to throw up up. The boss ended up sending me home early because I was useless anyway, so I stopped in on my way home to get the blood test done. With that done, and work finished for two weeks, I didn’t have much else to do except pack for when we went to Mum and Dad’s, so that’s what I did. 

My results were due in the next day (the 23rd December) and I didn’t want to be by myself when I got them so I decided to go see my Aunty. On my way there I bought a pregnancy test, out of interest, not because I thought that I was, just out of curiosity. When I got to my Aunty’s house I did the test, and was shocked to see that it came out positive. I freaked out a little bit, but decided to wait until the results came through from the blood test. I called through at about 2pm, and spoke to the receptionist. She was able to tell me over the phone. Everything came back normal, my red cell count, white cell count, liver is functioning normally, positive for pregnancy... I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I was shocked, I think more so than anything because I’d resolved myself to the fact that I’d never be able to have children. My next thought was ‘What am I going to tell LP?’. I didn’t know what to do, and it was about then that he started calling me to see what the results were. I couldn’t tell him something like this over the phone so I ignored all his calls. I waited until I knew he’d be home before I went home. I walked in the door, he met me, hugged me, kissed me and asked me how it went. I just looked at him and nodded. He hugged me tight, turned around and walked out the back and turned the whipper snipper on. I just let him go, he obviously needed to process it in his own time, and honestly, I needed some time too. He came back in about an hour later, and said “So, what are we doing then?”. I told him that I didn’t think I could get rid of it, but I wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He just looked at me and said, “Nah, I don’t think I could either”. 

SO I guess that’s how we decided we were going to have a baby...

Bit of a cheat post, but there'll be a follow up soon, promise!!

love, me x

These are the people I'd invite to dinner, if I hosted dinner parties...

So much for a post every day!!
Anyway, my last Five Year Journal question asked Who are you in love with?

This question excites me because there are quite a few people in the world I have fallen in love with, but it is not often that I get asked to talk or write about them.

• Sir Terry Pratchett
• Prof. Brian Cox
• Neil Gaiman
• Jennifer Lawrence
• Aldous Huxley
• Stephen Fry
• Oscar Wilde
• Hypatia (of Alexandria)

and most recently

• John Green

These people stimulate neurological pathways in my mind that have long been darkened by the drudgery of 'real life'. I used to think a lot. I used to have the time to think. Nowadays I'm lucky if I remember to eat lunch. True story.

I'll go through each of them and try to explain why they mean so much to me, and how they have changed my outlook on certain things.

Sir Terry Pratchett

If you haven't heard of Terry Pratchett, or the Discworld series, I highly, strongly, desperately recommend it... it will change your life. Okay, it might not change your life, but I can guarantee that you will enjoy some aspect of it on a level you were unaware you could enjoy books on. Don't take my word for it, go borrow one, or buy one, or read one online, or download an audiobook. Whatever. Just get on it.

To sum them up; the Discworld novels take place on a flat world, on the backs of four elephants, who stand on the back of a giant turtle who flies through the never-ending universe. Not sold? The Discworld novels are a satirical take on the human condition; Pratchett pulls no punches when it comes to parodying the nuances and foibles of society as a whole, and he does it in such a way that it leaves you hanging on every word, scrambling to reach the asterisk when you see a footnote at the bottom of a page, and utterly exhausted once you've finished... It's probably better to give you an example, because my descriptive nonsense will never do it justice...

This is a conversation between Death (in capitals), and his granddaughter (!!) Susan.

Brandon Sanderson sums it up far better than I have done, in my inane rambling...

Terry Pratchett made me realise that a book can have everything. It can be a work of pure fantasy, but can make you think honestly and deeply about the world you live in, while at the same time forging firm emotional connections to characters and making you wet yourself laughing. And it is possible for the author to do all of this exceptionally well. Not often; but it can be done. I love him.

Prof. Brian Cox

Where do I begin. This man. This man. What a dream boat. No seriously. He is the nerd equivalent of like...I don't know, some popular male celebrity. (Brad Pitt? George Clooney? I'm not up with what  the hip kids are into these days).

Read that. Now read it again. Now tell me you wouldn't be seduced by that. Honestly. If you haven't seen any of 'The Wonders' series (BBC), give it a go. This guy is the logical successor to David Attenborough. He's that good. He makes me think so deeply about things I feel like my brain is full of twinkling fairy lights.


More later today, or maybe tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

Love, me x