Journal - Finishing January

January 17th - What are you grateful for?
I'm grateful for a lot of things; a roof over my head, people who love me, friends, enough money to be comfortable, food in my cupboard. Some days I lose sight of that though, until I see someone who has life a lot harder than I have ever had it, and still has an incredibly positive attitude, and lives their life to a much fuller potential than I do. Then I have guilt.

January 18th - The best part of today was...
Our close friends had their baby today!! He is beautiful, healthy, and perfect. I couldn't be happier for them, and I wish them all the good things in life that parenting brings.

January 19th - My current favourite website is...
...pinterest. How embarrassing a haha. It really is though. I love it.

January 20th - What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?
I'm struggling a great deal with going back to uni, because it means putting my daughter into care two days a week. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me personally, it means putting my own needs before what I view as her important needs. I made the decision to stay home with her, because I think that it's important for your children to be influenced by what you feel is important - to guide them to be the people that you'd like them to be; the best versions of themselves possible. I think it's difficult to achieve that when your children are being cared for five days a week by other people. It was a personal choice that my partner and I made together, and it has worked for us. Recently though, I think that my daughter (Z) is craving social interaction, so care has been in the back of our minds for a little while. I couldn't fathom putting her into care while I sat at home on my own though, which is another reason I decided to go back to uni. Along the way, I've flip-flopped and gone back and forth about our decision, trying to grasp what is really 'best' for her. I've settled on the fact that she needs to socialise with peers, and that I need to be the best person I can be, in order to be the best mother I can be. I've been going a little crazy doing the same thing every day at home, so I think it will be good for to feel as though I am achieving something with my life. I also think it will set a good example for my daughter. To show her that, with some sacrifices, you can be a successful person, and a hands-on, present parent; you don't have to choose one or the other necessarily.

January 21st - Today I wish I had more...
PATIENCE! I wish this every day. I'm getting better, but it's a long hard road.

January 22nd - Tomorrow will be better because...
I will be positive. I will try my best not to let negativity creep in, and I will remember that I am doing what is right for myself, and my family at this point in our lives. I won't allow other people to make me feel guilty for the decisions I have made, because we have thought very carefully about them, and there are very good reasons that we are happy with them.

January 23rd - What made today unusual?
We got to meet our friend's baby today. He is so wonderful, and it is so fantastic to see them deliriously happy (or is that the lack of sleep!?). No, they were both glowing with pride and contentment, and I was so happy to see that. He is a content little man, and I honestly believe that children are ultimately a reflection of their parents, and especially at this age. They feed from their parents vibes, and if that is anything to go by, I think this little boy is going to be the most chilled out person ever.

January 24th - What are you looking for from life?
I want to be successful. I want my family to be comfortable financially, and I want my daughter to know that no matter what happens, her father and I will always love her and have faith in her.


January 25th - What is your favourite thing to drink?
Tea. Sweet tea. Or iced coffee.

January 26th - Today the temperature was...
26C

January 27th - What did you spend at the grocery store last time you went?
about $100

January 28th - Tomorrow I will...
clean out the spare room because my parents are coming to stay! Yay!

January 29th - What was your last big purchase?
I can't remember the last time we spent a significant amount of money on anything? Probably it was when LP repaired the retaining wall in the backyard. Or something else boring like that.

January 30th - My house is a home because...
I share it with LP and Z. I don't like houses that constantly look like display homes. I can never relax when someone's house is uber tidy every time I go there; I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time, and I feel like I can't let Z be herself as well. I don't think anyone would ever feel like that in our home...it's clean, but rarely tidy. I think that makes it feel lived in, and a lot more like a home, instead of just a house.

January 31st - Who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
LP before he left for work this morning, and Z about five minutes ago.

love, me x