Journal - Finishing January

January 17th - What are you grateful for?
I'm grateful for a lot of things; a roof over my head, people who love me, friends, enough money to be comfortable, food in my cupboard. Some days I lose sight of that though, until I see someone who has life a lot harder than I have ever had it, and still has an incredibly positive attitude, and lives their life to a much fuller potential than I do. Then I have guilt.

January 18th - The best part of today was...
Our close friends had their baby today!! He is beautiful, healthy, and perfect. I couldn't be happier for them, and I wish them all the good things in life that parenting brings.

January 19th - My current favourite website is...
...pinterest. How embarrassing a haha. It really is though. I love it.

January 20th - What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?
I'm struggling a great deal with going back to uni, because it means putting my daughter into care two days a week. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me personally, it means putting my own needs before what I view as her important needs. I made the decision to stay home with her, because I think that it's important for your children to be influenced by what you feel is important - to guide them to be the people that you'd like them to be; the best versions of themselves possible. I think it's difficult to achieve that when your children are being cared for five days a week by other people. It was a personal choice that my partner and I made together, and it has worked for us. Recently though, I think that my daughter (Z) is craving social interaction, so care has been in the back of our minds for a little while. I couldn't fathom putting her into care while I sat at home on my own though, which is another reason I decided to go back to uni. Along the way, I've flip-flopped and gone back and forth about our decision, trying to grasp what is really 'best' for her. I've settled on the fact that she needs to socialise with peers, and that I need to be the best person I can be, in order to be the best mother I can be. I've been going a little crazy doing the same thing every day at home, so I think it will be good for to feel as though I am achieving something with my life. I also think it will set a good example for my daughter. To show her that, with some sacrifices, you can be a successful person, and a hands-on, present parent; you don't have to choose one or the other necessarily.

January 21st - Today I wish I had more...
PATIENCE! I wish this every day. I'm getting better, but it's a long hard road.

January 22nd - Tomorrow will be better because...
I will be positive. I will try my best not to let negativity creep in, and I will remember that I am doing what is right for myself, and my family at this point in our lives. I won't allow other people to make me feel guilty for the decisions I have made, because we have thought very carefully about them, and there are very good reasons that we are happy with them.

January 23rd - What made today unusual?
We got to meet our friend's baby today. He is so wonderful, and it is so fantastic to see them deliriously happy (or is that the lack of sleep!?). No, they were both glowing with pride and contentment, and I was so happy to see that. He is a content little man, and I honestly believe that children are ultimately a reflection of their parents, and especially at this age. They feed from their parents vibes, and if that is anything to go by, I think this little boy is going to be the most chilled out person ever.

January 24th - What are you looking for from life?
I want to be successful. I want my family to be comfortable financially, and I want my daughter to know that no matter what happens, her father and I will always love her and have faith in her.


January 25th - What is your favourite thing to drink?
Tea. Sweet tea. Or iced coffee.

January 26th - Today the temperature was...
26C

January 27th - What did you spend at the grocery store last time you went?
about $100

January 28th - Tomorrow I will...
clean out the spare room because my parents are coming to stay! Yay!

January 29th - What was your last big purchase?
I can't remember the last time we spent a significant amount of money on anything? Probably it was when LP repaired the retaining wall in the backyard. Or something else boring like that.

January 30th - My house is a home because...
I share it with LP and Z. I don't like houses that constantly look like display homes. I can never relax when someone's house is uber tidy every time I go there; I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time, and I feel like I can't let Z be herself as well. I don't think anyone would ever feel like that in our home...it's clean, but rarely tidy. I think that makes it feel lived in, and a lot more like a home, instead of just a house.

January 31st - Who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
LP before he left for work this morning, and Z about five minutes ago.

love, me x

These are the people I'd invite to dinner, if I hosted dinner parties...

So much for a post every day!!
Anyway, my last Five Year Journal question asked Who are you in love with?

This question excites me because there are quite a few people in the world I have fallen in love with, but it is not often that I get asked to talk or write about them.

• Sir Terry Pratchett
• Prof. Brian Cox
• Neil Gaiman
• Jennifer Lawrence
• Aldous Huxley
• Stephen Fry
• Oscar Wilde
• Hypatia (of Alexandria)

and most recently

• John Green

These people stimulate neurological pathways in my mind that have long been darkened by the drudgery of 'real life'. I used to think a lot. I used to have the time to think. Nowadays I'm lucky if I remember to eat lunch. True story.

I'll go through each of them and try to explain why they mean so much to me, and how they have changed my outlook on certain things.

Sir Terry Pratchett

If you haven't heard of Terry Pratchett, or the Discworld series, I highly, strongly, desperately recommend it... it will change your life. Okay, it might not change your life, but I can guarantee that you will enjoy some aspect of it on a level you were unaware you could enjoy books on. Don't take my word for it, go borrow one, or buy one, or read one online, or download an audiobook. Whatever. Just get on it.

To sum them up; the Discworld novels take place on a flat world, on the backs of four elephants, who stand on the back of a giant turtle who flies through the never-ending universe. Not sold? The Discworld novels are a satirical take on the human condition; Pratchett pulls no punches when it comes to parodying the nuances and foibles of society as a whole, and he does it in such a way that it leaves you hanging on every word, scrambling to reach the asterisk when you see a footnote at the bottom of a page, and utterly exhausted once you've finished... It's probably better to give you an example, because my descriptive nonsense will never do it justice...

This is a conversation between Death (in capitals), and his granddaughter (!!) Susan.

Brandon Sanderson sums it up far better than I have done, in my inane rambling...

Terry Pratchett made me realise that a book can have everything. It can be a work of pure fantasy, but can make you think honestly and deeply about the world you live in, while at the same time forging firm emotional connections to characters and making you wet yourself laughing. And it is possible for the author to do all of this exceptionally well. Not often; but it can be done. I love him.

Prof. Brian Cox

Where do I begin. This man. This man. What a dream boat. No seriously. He is the nerd equivalent of like...I don't know, some popular male celebrity. (Brad Pitt? George Clooney? I'm not up with what  the hip kids are into these days).

Read that. Now read it again. Now tell me you wouldn't be seduced by that. Honestly. If you haven't seen any of 'The Wonders' series (BBC), give it a go. This guy is the logical successor to David Attenborough. He's that good. He makes me think so deeply about things I feel like my brain is full of twinkling fairy lights.


More later today, or maybe tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

Love, me x

Five year journal continued...

January 10th - What made you smile today?

Well, today that would be waking up to my daughter's smiling face in the bed next to me. She's been sneaking in there the last couple of days while her Daddy's still getting ready for work. Yesterday she was jumping all over me, and when I continued to pretend to be asleep, with my eyes scrunched up tight, I felt her warm little face up against mine and she asked ever-so-sweetly "Do you wanna build a snowman?" a la Anna from Frozen. SUCH a personality, and every day it develops a little bit more. I'm telling you, I lost it. First belly laugh I've had in a long time, I think because it was so unexpected, and because I love Disney, I got the reference right away (even though we've only watched the movie a couple of times). She is such a funny little dude.

January 11th - What's your favourite accessory?

Uhm. I don't really use them. I got a new handbag for Christmas, it's pretty nice. Cobalt blue...but I probably only take that out with me a third of the time.

January 12th - What is making you mad?

Haha. Right this very second: nothing! However, I live in Australia, and currently the Australian government and what they are doing to the 'little guy' is making me pretty mad. I'm definitely not an expert on politics, and I would never claim to be. What I do know is that Tony Abbott is swiftly turning our nation from a democracy into an authoritarian society. He seems to be hiding or camouflaging a lot of information from the public, and searching for scapegoats all the time instead of addressing and fixing problems. I could talk all day about it, but I'll save that for another post, perhaps.

January 13th - What did you have for dinner today?

We'll switch that up to 'What did you have for dinner last night', because it's morning here... Last night we had delicious steak, mashed potatoes, pumpkin, cauliflower and carrots. It was awesome.

January 14th - What did you get done?

Again, Let's go with yesterday. I got all my washing done (now I have to put it away today :(...), I got the house looking respectable (at least the rooms other people see), got the kitchen neat and tidy and got up to date with my 'one line a day gratitude journal'.

January 15th - Who last called you on the phone?

My partner, to tell me he was coming home from work. That was yesterday too though. Still, it's Friday!

January 16th - Who are you in love with?

OOOOoooooo! Well, I'll tell you what, there's my partner, obviously, but I've gone on about him enough for a while hahaha. I'm going to do a BIG post on this tomorrow. Whaaaat! Cliffhanger!

Would help if I had some readers. Hahaha.

Love, me xx

Quickie

Just a quick one today, because I spent way too much time on the computer yesterday, and today I'm playing catch up.

January 8th - What is the last 'good' thing you ate?

Not a big healthy eater, and unlike many it is not on my to do list this year. Yesterday I had lasagne for lunch, but I made myself a salad on the side with oak leaf lettuce, tomato, olives, a little cream cheese, celery, cucumber, carrot and a whole lot of pepper. It was pretty good.

January 9th - What is your current favourite snack?

I just love tea and coffee at the moment. I go through stages where I can't get enough of hot drinks, and at the moment it's Tetley Vanilla Chai Tea. Smooth, creamy, and sweet. SO SWEET! You don't really need anything else with it, because it feels like you're having a dessert anyway.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to go about finding my niche in this crazy stay-at-home-Mumma-filled blogosphere. I feel like I have a lot of interests, but I'm not particularly talented in any of them (at least not in comparison to the other fantastic bloggers out there that I follow). Then I realised that I just need to let it go, and see what develops. I think that over time, I'll find my voice, and I'll speak to a few people. Even if I only reach out to one or two people, I'll still feel like I've made a difference. At the end of the day, at least I'm giving it a go.

Love, me x

Toot, Toot...

January 4th - What is your best memory of last year?

Last year already seems like a lifetime ago. My favourite memory, probably not a specific memory as such. My favourite moments last year were those quiet moments at home, with close friends, my family, and especially those precious days when my partner, my daughter and I get to spend time together as a family. The days filled with love and laughter and easy afternoons that turn into evenings and late night chats. I hope 2014 is filled with many more memories like that.


January 5th - What is the last major accomplishment you had?

Aside from getting into uni recently, I would have to say that starting this blog has been a major accomplishment. I'm really beginning to enjoy writing on here, and although it still scares me that someone is reading my word vomit, for the moment the only people who know this little old blog exists are people I feel safe talking to anyway. It's a big deal for me to share openly; I've learned over the years that over sharing is not okay socially, and I've probably gone a little too far in being reserved. When I was younger (by 'younger', I mean probably three-to-five years ago), there was a version of myself that I presented to the world. It wasn't too far from who I am, but it certainly was a more toned down version of. Having said that, only aspects of my personality were toned down. Others were played upon and over compensated for, like my 'outgoing, bubbly personality'. This was a learned behaviour, to overcompensate for my shyness and social anxiety. It worked, probably too well, because it meant that during those periods when I did need my space and my downtime, I had to fight to get it. People would think there was something wrong with me, and I would often be guilted into doing things I didn't want to, or feel like doing. But I digress; my major accomplishment would be allowing myself to be who I am, without being apologetic or hiding certain aspects of me, and sharing that self willingly with people, albeit strangers.


January 6th - What possession could you not live without?

I honestly don't hold much stead with valuing possessions. I prize many of my possessions, but in terms of not being able to live without any of them, I don't think I could pinpoint anything. If this is a 'the-house-is-on-fire-and-you-can-only-take-one-thing' scenario, it would probably by the computer, but only because it contains every photo I've ever taken of my daughter since she was born. I could live without it, but I'd be devastated. (Although luckily, I've backed myself up a little there by supplying our immediate families with a fast and steady supply of framed photos hah).


January 7th - Can people change?

No, I don't think so. That being said, I think it is easy for people to change your perception of them. To believe that people are capable of change on a fundamental level is naive. Every person has it within them to be a good person, or a bad person, sometimes (often) both. There is nobody alive who does not have negative traits. I think what is important is to make a conscious choice to amplify those traits that you view as valuable. If you choose to focus on what is good about yourself, you can change the way that you behave, and the manner in which you are perceived by others, but you still have the capability to behave badly. The difference is that you choose not to. I think that is what is most amazing about people. Each and every one of us has the capability to do a complete turn around; but we also have the ability to flip back again. Will power and self control are the hardest virtues to master, in my opinion. I know I struggle with them every day.

Love, me x

Five year journal - #1

Tami Taylor blogged about keeping a 5 year journal, in scrapbook form. You can have a look at her progress here. I was interested to see the prompts she used to keep herself motivated every day, and I thought it might be helpful in kick-starting my blog. Thus far, the feeling over here at Off the Record has been, let's face it, a little morose and self pitying. In a bid to pick up the mood, and perhaps develop a bit of a readership/ interaction, I'll be following Debbie's lead, blog-style, and using her day-to-day prompts, plus some inspiration from other blogs and suggestions, to *try* and blog every day. Even if it's just a couple of pictures or a few lines - every day, a new post.

Let's see how we go.

So Debbie's journal prompts are for every day of the year, starting from January first. As it's nooowww... January 28th, I have some catching up to do *gulp*. For the first few posts I'll do a couple of prompts, until I'm all caught up. Here goes!

January 1st - What is your number one goal this year?

Well, that's a doozie right off the bat. My brain is such a muddle most of the time, it's hard to pinpoint what my highest priority would be.

Aside from all the regular Mummy stuff, I'd have to say, my number one *personal* goal, would be to successfully complete my first year of uni. Yeah, that's right; I GOT IN!!! Starting off slow, with just one course - Human Anatomy, that starts on the 3rd of March, so now I have the headache of finding child care for my daughter (who I've decided needs some sort of code name for this blog...more on that later).

So, there's that. Number one goal for 2014 - to successfully complete all courses that I enrol in for Uni, and do the absolute best I can do.

January 2nd - What are you most grateful for?

Well, I'd have to say that I probably already covered this one in the last post. The people I blogged about there are the one I am most thankful for, and I try to let them know how much I appreciate them as often as I can.

January 3rd - Are you content?

These questions sure don't pull any punches. I mean, obviously your first reaction is to say 'Yes, of course I'm content!'. If you really think about it though, what does content mean? Peace, happiness, wanting for nothing? In that case, if I'm being 100% honest, I'd have to say that I'm not necessarily content. I'm happy, certainly, and I love many aspects of my life, but there are plenty of areas in my life that I'd be happy to change. My house is in serious need of a clutter overhaul, and in order for that to happen, I (and my darling partner), need to do some serious purging and changing of mindsets. Having clutter around the place makes me uncomfortable, and definitely doesn't make me productive. Probably not the best starting point for a successful year at Uni.

There is a certain relationship in my life that I am definitely not content with, but the problem I have is that I can't change the other person's perspective. I can only control my behaviour and my reactions to their bad behaviour. Last year I allowed myself to be dragged into their mind games, but this year I will not allow myself to be lowered to their standard of bullying behaviour. It is a big aim of mine this year to learn to let it go.

Three might be enough for today. I can hear my family silently willing me to come spend time with them. More tomorrow; promise!

Love, me x